“It is cowardice to be someone other than yourself.”
- Some Stoic Philosopher Probably
Like a true procrastinating writer with low self- esteem and analysis paralysis, this took me forever to write. I’ve been staring at the blank page, trying to set the right mood by putting on “Millennial Doomer Jazz” while lighting a candle. And then I burst into laughter. I never do this in the first place when I write things just for myself, so why should I change now? Listen, all I can do is share with you how I see the world in the most honest way I can. Remember that these aren’t commandments so save yourself the time from writing me all of your angry misspelled emails.
I’m going to dedicate this essay to telling you why I hate being a writer and what I love about it. I will generally refer to ‘The Writer’ but this applies to every discipline in the art world. I can’t promise you this is going to be a balanced position. Hemingway said, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed”. That’s a bunch of horseshit when you have the devil on your shoulder constantly telling you what you’re putting down sucks.
Well, here goes nothing.
GOD’S LONELY MAN
The loneliness in New York is correlated to the loneliness of being a writer. There’s something seriously abnormal about being surrounded by thousands of people everyday and not saying a word to them. And what about the eyes? Nobody looks up anymore. The phones are the new gods and the wifi is our life support. It explains why New Yorkers still hold the title of ‘Best J-Walkers’, not only are we always in a hurry but we need to get to the other side of the street to avoid eye contact with people as fast as possible and get back to our phones!
I realized however, our love of social media is tied to our love of stories. It’s not as simple as it being a useful time waster while you’re taking a shit. Why do you think people used to read books between queues? We have an innate curiosity to see the way other people live their lives. I mean, why else do people watch a twelve hour stream of someone doing their Sunday chores? Entertainment? Yes. Boobs? Yes. It’s also the same reason we still love going to the Movie Theater. It’s not an accident that old Theater Palaces resemble 15th century Roman Churches. The screen is an altar, where a mysterious light is projected from the heavens and shows us moving stills of people’s lives. Watching John Wayne, Humphrey Bogart, or Mark Hamill go on a journey and take on challenges has the possibility of teaching me how to handle my own life. Then you walk out feeling a little more hopeful than when you first sat down and you believe you might actually make it! This is the actual power of Cinema. The power of good art. But God is a comedian. We’ve been given this outlet to feel less lonely. Yet it is one of the most isolating activities we can do. What kind of a sick joke is that?!
Deep down, we are all like Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver, walking through New York looking for meaning. Although this time it’s a phone instead of a porn theater. Though I suppose nowadays they can be one in the same.
To be a writer there is a part of you that has to be irrational. I’m avoiding using the word *imbalanced* because it’s already been proven that you can be a successful artist without drinking yourself to death and becoming corrupted. In fact, I would dare say that using substances and starving yourself will pollute the natural currency that allows you to speak honestly and make true art. It is said that author Charles Bukowski, towards the end of his life, got sober and admitted that he never needed the alcohol in the first place.
DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB
The demands of life knock at your door everyday while death hangs the ticking clock over your head. Your job is to find a way to balance that, allowing part of you to remain like Peter Pan and explore the imaginative world on the page. You must be willing to have this duality in you and it takes tremendous sacrifice. It is almost a certain path to poverty. ALMOST. Don’t fall for all the stories you hear about musicians in the 80’s quitting their job to pursue their dreams and suddenly they’re on tour with Kiss. It’s bullshit. That kind of world doesn’t exist anymore. The rent everywhere has quadrupled, gas prices are never going to stay down, and the government will never forgive your student loans! Money matters. Money improves your life. Don’t. Quit. Your. Job.
GOOD ART IS OBJECTIVE
When Caravaggio paints Judith Beheading Holofernes, nobody tries to interpret the meaning behind the head coming off of his body. If you do, you’re probably the same type of person that tells people you’ve read a certain book just to be part of the conversation…
Look, good art is beauty. But that’s become a dangerous thing to say because beauty is an ideal which now becomes part of a hierarchy. Somewhere in our history we were convinced to not create art that represents an ideal, that beautiful people were boring to look at and are evil. Don’t believe me? Just look at who’s playing the villain in the new Cinderella.
When we look at beauty, there’s an unspoken agreement that we are looking at our potential, and that can make people reflect on their own inadequacies and feel like they’re never going to reach that. I’m completely empathetic to that. I’m a 5’6 bald man, but I would be LYING if I told you that the David of Michaelangelo is ugly.
So the next time someone tries to convince you Margot Robbie is ugly just remember that they actually mean something else.
ARE YOU ACTUALLY AN ARTIST OR DO YOU WANT TO APPEAR TO BE ONE?
Stop telling people that you create because their next question is : what are you working on now? I love that because the fake ones get exposed. Seriously. Is there anything more depressing than seeing a 35 year old man sitting at a Starbucks pretending to write his screenplay? The attention, the business dinners, the awards etc--these are a small part of creating art. No one talks about staring at the blank screen for one hour or about the day you finally do get something written on the page and it just sucks and you realize you should just stick to being a construction worker.
This is hard. It’s painful. It’s lonely if you’re trying to do this only for money and fame. Hell, I think it’s lonely either way. Writing became more enjoyable when I stopped pedestalizing it. I truly fell in love with the process and I know hearing that is annoying. But it IS the way. Make it for yourself first. Then see how it can become digestible for the world. If you have a statement to make, it is a sin to keep it to yourself. Perhaps your words can save someone, or you can save yourself.
“If you can dream--and not make dreams your master”
-Ruyard Kipling
Rafael Paulino
is a New York based freelance editor and screenwriter, originally aspiring to be a film historian, now immersed in crafting captivating narratives.
Rafael is currently writing a debut feature film, merging a love for cinema with expertise in script analysis and editing.
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